A Review of Two Self Help Books: Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People and Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power
Self help is money, for you and for the purveyors of the self-help. Anyone with sense wants to improve their condition and with both literacy and disposable income, thousands upon thousands of answers are awaiting, but just because answers exist doesn’t mean that those answers will be suitable for you. That is why purchasing self-help books is a gamble. Some will speak to you, and some won’t. Each person has his own unique set of assumptions, experiences, and perceptual filters, so many times, if you take a stab in the dark with the self-help thing, it won’t work out so well. You may read the information, but if it seems boring or silly to you, it won’t happen. If the advice doesn’t suit your lifestyle or your understanding of what change is, you may very well be burning your funds. How open you are also is a factor. If something deep inside doesn’t want to change, then you won’t regardless of how many “pat yourself on the back and use a planner” self-help books you read.
With this in mind, I really spent quite a long-time puzzling over the best self-help books I could read for my own unique temperament and goals, and thus, I was stuck in contemplation. I pondered my own character, inclinations, and habitual reasoning patterns. I am an introvert and don’t think that is a bad thing, but at the same time, I enjoy socializing and hold some ambition in my own way. At the same time, I’m rebellious and my ambition only goes so far. Money has never been my guiding light though I am becoming much more curious about it. At the same time, anything too simplistic, trite, or pathos driven will bore me. My brain can’t pay attention to things that are too simple. I’ll fall asleep if anything. I feel emotions quite deeply, but material that is too pathos driven sometimes frustrates me since it seems vulturesque to me. My students often guess that I am an air sign, completely wrapped up in ideas and thoughts. I am actually a Leo, a kitten Leo, with a lot of air in the chart, so they aren’t too far off the mark perceiving the intellect centric vibe, but the Leo still exists, so I need a self-help book with some adventure in it. If it’s purely information, I’ll learn from it, but probably not feel especially motivated. Does any of this sound like you? No? Well of course not. That’s my point. We are all different. Finding the right book isn’t easy. That’s why when Stargirl the Practical Witch recommended Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People and The 48 Laws of Power in one of her intuitive YouTube videos, I figured that I would try it out. There’s no way to find the “right” book except through trial and error, but I trust intuition. The universal consciousness spoke through her, and I heard it.
Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is easy to understand and implement. His advice is common sense in many ways, but common sense isn’t always so common. The most relevant truths sometimes are so obvious we miss them. It’s like David Foster Wallace’s fish bowl analogy. Whatever you are immersed in, you fail to see, just like the young goldfish in the water. We are surrounded by human experience and history, but many of us can’t put two and two together, so we engage in cyclical behavior. We are governed by our anxieties. Survival instinct and family culture are so deeply ingrained that we have coping mechanisms we rely on but that do not help us make progress with other human beings.
What Carnegie studied and reports on is the coping strategies of the greats, whether that be in politics or business. Some people do better in life, and most of the time, it is no accident. These people aren’t out there acting like selfish tyrants. Yes, it is true that selfish tyrants can get what they want, especially if they have enough dangerous and loyal followers or are able to exercise life and death control over people. However, eventually tyrants fall. Carnegie doesn’t discuss that so much, but it is relevant. Tyrants fall because they’re terrible people. They may have power for a while, but if they are focused only on what they want, they fail.
What Carnegie illustrates through accessible, real life examples is that considering the wants and needs of your fellow man does more for a person than being only interested in one’s own ambitions. He talks about how thinking of what the other party wants can actually help you get what you want. He really illustrates how putting aside the ego and being willing to admit fault or lack of knowledge can generate the goodwill of others and provide an example for them to admit their own humanity as well. He emphasizes positive approaches rather than negative. He’s preaching praise and authentic motivational tactics when interacting with others.
All of it is based on basic human psychology, but most people are too self-absorbed to consider what really is appealing to others regardless if it is a friendship or a business deal. We want the job or to be right, and we forget that the employers’ want the right person for the job, and the other person we argue with wants to be right too. When we don’t consider that, we miss the mark. The nice thing about this book is the examples are totally relevant regardless of who you are. Your personality type and goals don’t even matter. The book will be useful anyway because it considers the human mind in a universal sense.
My introvert tendencies may last a life time but after reading this book, the idea of socializing with powerful or popular people seems interesting rather than intimidating. For example, job interviews are what get people a lot of times. The interviewees may be smart and capable but feel a sense of dread when it is time to interview. They may want the job so bad that they feel like they have to be on edge the entire time. This book annihilates that. It breathes humanity into interactions where the goal isn’t simply just success but getting to know who you are interacting with. All good things come from that.
This book is short, easy to read, and interesting. Normally, “easy to read” isn’t always a good thing for me because like I mentioned, I get bored. That’s why I couldn’t get past one chapter of Twilight when I tried reading it a decade ago. Carnegie’s simplicity isn’t boring though and may be more of an assumption if anything. He does mention the book should be read twice and annotated for better absorption. The charm of the book is all in the story telling though. Aside from anecdotes about successful politicians and business people, Carnegie includes stories of mobsters and other notorious types to illustrate that even the most intimidating people think of themselves as the good guy in their own head. The advice is practical and useful, and the stories about the biggest names in history will keep you engaged. I give this book all the stars. It gets bonus points for a slight hint of 1930s tone, which sets it apart from another corporate Human Resources regurgitated self-help deal. If you enjoy the classiness of vintage, you’ll like this book.
The next self-help book Stargirl suggested is The 48 Rules of Power. I absolutely loved how the book was written. It was mentally stimulating and artful: the kind of thing a brainy type would fawn over. It discusses each law in depth with vivid historical examples that illustrate the law and what happens when the law is ignored (as well as observed). The examples often come from ancient Chinese history or renaissance history. As an editor of Chan Buddhist texts and having majored in Renaissance Literature, I connected to the text more than the average person. I enjoyed that I was familiar with some of the emperors and courtiers mentioned. Plus, what most people don’t realize is that Renaissance Literature isn’t just “hard to understand” stories that are only retained in the culture to create a status quo. On the contrary, the study of situation can be quite sophisticated (not just in a jargonish way) and relevant, especially when the situations are presented as plays that were penned by the intensely learned, sometimes noble and sometimes just geniuses. The works aren’t meant have virtue solely based on some sense of elitism as they sought to instruct as they entertained. They were visual enactments of situation that allowed people to understand cause and effect. The courtiers absolutely were immersed in strategic thinking and their culture not only exhibited that but also reinforced it. Being educated means understanding the implications of action. With any given renaissance play, each line can create a different nuance on the theatrical situation. If any given line is delivered in proximity to other characters, in isolation, with props, with a certain tone, with a certain volume, it creates an entirely new situation. When you read one play, you are actually reading several plays. The play changes as it is acted. The choices on how to interpret the lines change the situations presented. I sensed Greene understood that as he broke down step by step how one courtier read another or how one emperor outmaneuvered another. On the margins, in red ink, additional short excerpts from literary pieces complement the themes of the main text. On the one hand, it made the text aesthetically pleasing; on the other, it was reminiscent of dripping blood. The perfect accent to the tales of the power obsessed that Greene includes on each page. If you like action, this is probably the only self-help book that will leave you on the edge of your seat as you await the fate of whatever historical figure is maneuvering blind.
As much as a good read the book is, I actually was depressed by it. I loved the stories. I enjoyed the thoughtful research that clearly had been done. Greene wasn’t just delivering dramatized stories though. Sadly, the things he described are human truths that should be considered even if we’d like to assume the very best from people. I don’t think we should live our lives not being close to people in order to avoid betrayal, but it is true that even best friends betray. It isn’t that Greene is morbid. It’s that history is morbid, and humans can be vicious, back stabbing beasts if they are insecure enough, selfish enough, or misled enough. Sometimes we have to be strategic and a bit cruel to survive. I’ll give him that. I’ve even dealt with people who treated me poorly, so I treated them poorly back. Do I want to live like that? No! Absolutely not. These days, making that point seems like a waste of time for the most part, but that is why the book depressed me. I was reading about actions I don’t want to emulate. I’d like to have a life where betrayals and cut throat competition aren’t my problem. Of course, survival sometimes means looking out for ourselves. Sometimes situations are so ridiculous that you must put yourself first. Power isn’t the highest good though, and those that live only for power are destined to a life of loneliness and pain. What Carnegie delivers is methods of getting ahead that put people first, and thus you do well in life without worrying about backstabbing. What Greene illustrates is that strategic survival driven thinking will keep you alive and perhaps take you to the top, but the implication is a different kind of powerlessness. One loses the power of affinity by constantly being distrustful and cut throat. Greene may have a point that it is to your advantage to peer deeply in to others, but as Nietzsche famously remarked, “If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
In conclusion, yes, sometimes you will be in situations where you need to put yourself first. You may not always be able to act with complete virtue if survival is at stake. I recommend doing the best you can considering the situation. However, the real lesson in all of this is that sacrificing your humanity for power is doing exactly that. It is cutting away that which is sweet and good about life. Instead, Carnegie’s advice about building up one’s personal power with honey makes even more sense. Other human beings want to be acknowledged. They want to feel smart and important, like their concerns matter. If you can get ahead by helping other people, you are participating in the virtue of eudaemonia, creating happiness through your actions — their happiness and your own; it’s mutually advantageous. It isn’t being fake if it’s sincere, and if you are doing something without sincerity, then it probably isn’t something you should be doing. When I envision working on my goals, I like the prospect of building good affinity with people and being interested in what they have to say. I’ve spent so long being nervous of people, assuming the worst, that the idea of simply making positive conversation is appealing. In fact, in my mind, the goal is more about my curiosity about positive interactions rather than power.
Both books are worth reading and offer universal truths though the approaches are different. You’ll learn a lot either way though one will leave you a happier person than the other. I suspect Greene crafted the book to prove the point that being power obsessed is not a happy life path, but that’s just speculation. If you’re curious, check them out. Let me know what you think.
